


Suestuck

by Jeanne160



Series: SueStucking [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Because Dave, Beware the well written sue, Funny, Mild Language, Multi, No Porn, There is snark, not crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:19:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne160/pseuds/Jeanne160
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Pelira Safgeo, and you are a sue with some sarcasm in the audience and a writer who hates sues but is fine wit your objective to make some pairing happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suestuck

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say that when I was trying to end this I was getting frustrated by Pelira because she felt more empty of a sue than I intended. A well meaning sue, but still more empty than I meant to make happen. And all of the pester/troll logs were formatted with the help of Persterlog Formatter.

You are now a young troll named PALIRA SAFGEO. You have been nearly culled twice and have three small scars to show for it. You’d like to remind ANYONE LISTENING that it wasn’t by fault of your LUSUS, it was yours. You don’t like to talk about the times you were nearly culled though.

Your INTERESTS are strange by troll standards. You watch more TROLL ANIME than anyone should, but at least you’re picky. You tend to prefer light hearted ANIME like THE ONE IN WHICH THE PROTAGONIST IS FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET AND BECOMES THE MAGICAL KING OF A DIFFERENT PLANET, but not too light like THE ONE IN WHICH SOME GIRLS SPEND FIVE MINUTES TALKING ABOUT HOW TO EAT A PASTRY AND OTHER STUFF HAPPENS. At the same time, you like complex anime like THE ONE IN WHICH THE PROTAGONIST GAINS AN ABILITY AND TRIES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, but not quite as mind twisting as THE ONE IN WHICH A DEMON LOSES A BOOK AND THE PROTAGONIST STARTS KILLING PEOPLE IN CREATIVE WAYS WHILE TRYING TO OUTSMART A GUY THAT WANTS TO BE HIS KISMESIS. Sometimes though, you just want to relax with an anime like THE ONE WHERE THE YOUNG TROLL AND HIS LUSUS BUTLER HAVE A CONTRACT AND IN THE END ARE ALMOST MATESPRITS. There are other one’s you like, but you’d rather watch those with KARKAT VANTAS who you’ll bonded with over your pity, since Karkitty refuses to believe love is somewhat outside of pity, for bad romcoms. He doesn’t really like anime though, and that’s fine, because you’re even pickier about your romcoms.

Of course you’d be a rather one note character if your interests ended there, but for the sake of brevity you’d rather not talk about the rest of your interests. Today is a very special day for you, because today is the day you get to play a game with some people you mostly either don’t know, or vaguely know. Really, the only one of the group you know any kind of well is TAVROS NITRAM, and that’s only because of your moraileagence with him.

==> Look around room

There isn’t much need for that. Your recuperacoon is against one wall that is undecorated. Infact, all of your walls are undecorated. You don’t like trying to hang things from other things and your Lusus would be mad if you put a hole in the wall of your hive. You love your lusus, but sometimes they’re just a foddy doddy.

A what? You don’t know what that term means so you pretend you didn’t just think it.

Besides you love your lusus, they’ve taken such good care of you and you rely on them…

Oh look, someone’s trolling you.

==> Answer troll

Why? It’s just Tavros. He can wait a minute. You need to go get something from the mealblock before you start playing the game. He won’t mind, and he knows exactly what you need to go to the mealblock for anyway.

==> What did you need from the kitchen?

Okay first, it’s a mealblock. To your knowledge the only trolls that call it a kitchen are highbloods, which you are not, and would never pretend to be. Second, it’s a secret. Really, if you're going to be so nosy maybe you should just start examining the hive yourself. Oh wait, you can’t, can you?

==> Get thing from mealblock.

That’s what you were doing. You walk quickly down the paths to the mealblock. And look, there’s that pervy lusus of yours with a cup of something offered to you. You don’t like the lusus, but you didn’t really get to chose him. At least he takes care of you, but you still feel love for him. You don’t really know how love works for trolls, not that you know how it works for aliens, but you know that you and your lusus have an extra strange relationship. You take a quick sip of the liquid. It’s vile, but it makes you feel better. The sickness that was rollling in your acid sack goes away. You didn’t even realize you felt sick until you took a sip and the feeling was relieved. You thank your lusus quietly and leave the mealblock for the rumpusblock. That’s where your computer is and you know you and Tavie are going to be gaming for a while.

==> Answer Tavros

adiosToreador started trolling contraryClaws

AT: aRE YOU ON TODAY,  
AT: iF YOU’RE NOT READY TO, eRR, PLAY TODAY IT’S FINE,  
CC: SoRRY TaVie  
CC: JuST HaD To GeT THe DRiNK FRoM MY LuSuS  
AT: aRE YOU READY FOR THIS,  
CC: FuCK YeS  
CC: I aLReaDY HaVe THe GaMe iNSTaLLeD  
AT: sO, tHE PLAN IS TO, uHH, BRING YOU INTO THE GAME  
AT: aND THEN YOU WILL, eRR, BRING FEF INTO THE GAME  
CC: WiLL THe GaMe Be CoMPLeTe aT THaT PoiNT?  
CC: aS iN THe CHaiN?  
AT: nO  
AT: fEF WILL, aHH, CLOSE THE CHAIN  
CC: CooL

So now that you and Tavros have had that conversation you begin playing the game. You were particularly more heartbroken over your lusus’s death, but Tavros was comforting. And then as you played the game and got to meet everyone in person you realized something before even Vriska, the supposed smart one, did. The game was a metaphor for growing up as a troll. You damn near brained yourself with Tavie’s horn when Karkat decided to become group leader. So there you guys were, stuck on a meteor because of some asshole kids who didn’t understand the meaning of losing gracefully.

==> Troll the John Human

Who? Oh, that guy. No. You’re too busy realizing that Gamzee is going to become a problem if you don’t do something. If we’re fucked enough to be stuck on a meteor together, we may as well be double fucked by making everyone live together. You figured another thing out a long ass time ago, but it’s ok. Everyone else will figure it out later anyway.

You and Gamzee have a shoosh paping session in the pile of horns. As sylf of heart you knew Gamzee was feeling.... strange.

“I’m so motherfucking sorry,” he wants to explain, but all he can get out is a scary sounding, “honk.”

“Shh,” you say, giving him little paps and holding a finger to his lips, “I understand.”

Tavros gives you the most heartbroken look ever and you realize that this shoosh pap thing is supposed to be for morails and matesprits only. You don’t care though. You prefer everyone survive for now. In fact, since you can see into the hearts of everyone, you decided that you’re going to be matchmaker.

==> Start matchmaking

You decided to wait until the humans show up. Instead, you’re going to pester one of the humans, the one Karkat seems to like.

==> Pelira troll John

contraryClaws started trolling ectoBiologist

CC: HeLLo  
EB: umm, hi?  
CC: aRe You THe oNe CG LiKeS?  
EB: who?  
CC: THe SHouTY TRoLL  
EB: OH…. him.  
EB: he did say at one point we would be friends.  
CC: WHaT iS YouR NaMe?  
EB: I don’t think I should tell you  
CC: BuT i NeeD To KNoW  
EB: why?  
CC: FoR THe PuRPoSe oF CoNTiNuiTY  
EB: Shitface Stonefucker  
CC: WHaT?  
EB: thats my name  
CC: You aRe PeRFeCT FoR HiM  
EB: i’m sorry, what?  
CC: You aND CG aRe a PeRFeCT MaTCH  
EB: what?  
EB: nevermind  
EB: why should I tell you my name?  
CC: BeCauSe oTHeRWiSe i’LL aCTuaLLY CaLL You SHiTFaCe  
CC: i DoN’T THiNK You WaNT THaT  
EB: i’m not going to tell you my name.  
EB: ever  
CC: WHaTeVeR. i’LL TeLL KiTTY You SaiD Hi  
EB: who?  
CC: iF You DoN’T KNoW, THeN DoN’T WoRRY aBouT iT

contraryClaws stopped trolling ectoBiologist  
EB: …?

==> Pelira, talk to Eridan

That was a strange command, but ok. You were meaning to talk to him anyway. He’s got nothing right now, and that makes him more dangerous than you. At least like Tavie you’re too sweet to hurt anyone. That’s one of the reasons you were almost culled and you have one scar from that encounter. Eridan on the other hand is dangerous. He would kill anything standing in his way. He only gives you a little respect because like everyone, except for maybe Terezi, he doesn’t know what your blood color is and assumes it’s indigo or close to like Gamzee. He’s wrong of course.

“Eridan,” you call out and look around a corner. You spot him and Feferi having a heated conversation.

“But I love you,” he says, the saddest look in his eyes.

“I don’t,” she replies, and her posture screams get the fuck away from me.

You have two options. Get in now and get auspistice with them, or wait until Fef is gone and start Kismesitude with Eridan. You really do hate Eridan, so you wait for Fef to walk away, and she does look kind of sad for having to do that to him. You’re not worried though. You know who her perfect matesprit is and you’ll help her get that soon.

“Eridan,” your tone is threatening, and you can tell that he liked it by the way his bone bluge starts to wriggle just a bit.

“Pel-” his words are cut off by you giving him an angry kiss.

You don’t pail with him, but he understands that you’re in kismesitude with him. He has the nerve to slap you afterwards, but he knows. You made it clear and he won’t say no. You can see it in his emotions, he won’t let you stop hating him. Ever.

==> Stop Vriska from killing Tavros

Why? You don’t need to do that. She killed Tavie on his quest bed so he could be god tier. it worked out in the end, and no one is mad. There’s something more important to do. You start feeling sick and realize it’s been a day since you last had that awful concotion you’re lusus made you. You have a code for it in your captalouge, so you decied to alcamize more.

==> Do that

Well jeeze, no need to get so demanding. You can do things without being told you know. You make more of the thing and drink it way too fast. There we go, you’ll be fine for a while longer. You know what’s going to happen to you, but that’s okay. You’ve accepted it and just want to do the thing with the people. Yeah, that made sense.

==> Talk to Tavros

That was out of the blue. Why do you need to talk to Tavros right now. You need to talk to Nepeta. After all, she’s the queen of ships, and while she doesn’t take an active role in making them happen, you’re going to make her realize that her OTP is going to fail and that her next OTP is way better and will be more satisfying. Karkat is too shouty for her.

==> No, talk to Tavros

What? Do you have a thing for him or something? No. You’ll talk to Tavros after he realizes that he runs black for Vriska. He does you know. He just doesn’t realize it yet. You need to talk to Nepeta right now though. Before she does something really stupid like red flirt with Karkitty.

When you find Nepeta she’s…

Oh!

You blush really hard and quickly walk away. Apparently Fef took matters into her own hands and is making out with Nepeta. Well, you think, that’s one less thing you need to do.

==> Now will you talk to Tavros?

Fine! You roll your eyes. You’ll make sure Tavros is fine. The humans will be here soon anyway, and then you can finish making the ships happen. It’s the least you can do, considering the circumstances…

You won’t finish that thought. It’s so obvious it makes you want to…

You now hate yourself for being vague, but you have a good reason to be, so whatever.

==> Where is Tavros?

You certainly do have flushed feelings for Tavros don’t you person insisting Pelira go talk to him now. Sorry to hurt you, but Pelira will never feel that way for Tavros. You’d need to be someone else in order to feel flushed for that guy.

==> Be troll who feels flushed for Tavros

Pelira is amused by you. She doesn’t want to be anyone else, and you can go stick your crush on Tavros in your own nook because she isn’t going to let someone undeserving of Tavie’s love (pity if it’s Karkat’s opinion on the matter) be his matesprit. Nice try though.

You continue walking towards Tavros. He still feels betrayed by you for what you did with Gamzee, but that only makes you feel better about the situation. You don’t even need to do that much to make someone open their eyes and see what’s right in front of them and has been there the whole time.

You give yourself a slap in the face for quoting human Taylor Swift.

Tavie still lets you rest your head on his godly shoulder. He has funtion of his legs agian and could just walk away if he didn’t want to see you right now. The wings are attractive on him too.

“You okay?” you ask, fully aware of what the answer is.

“Uhh, yes?” he says, and it comes out more like a question.

You give him a look and he apologizes with his eyes for lying.

“No,” he says with confidence you didn’t know he could have, “You know how I feel about…”

“About Gamzee?” you fill in when he can’t finish his sentence and he nods.

“Gamzee was about to go on a murder spree because of the voices in his head,” you tell him and he just looks at you with wide eyes, “Karkat was busy flirting with Shitface so I did somthing about it.”

“Shitface?” he asked.

“The human Karkat likes,” you reply, “the one who didn’t tell me his real name, and thinks that I think it’s his real name, so I’m calling him shitface to appease him.”

Tavros laughs and hugs you tightly. You know you’re forgiven for any issues you might have had and he’s sorry for having doubted you. You’re even more happy Tavie knows exactly how he feels about Gamzee.

Well, you think, there’s more ships you need to make happen. The only one that is super official is Feferi/Nepeta.

==> Find Sollux

That’s not necessary. He’s already looking for you. He wanted to ask you something about Eridan, and he’ll find you when he’s ready to talk about it. You just want to sit still and hug Tavros until the horrible terrors stop bothering you in dreams. The waking rage is worse when you can’t even get a proper nights sleep, and Tavros knows that you need it. Tavros actually knows more than he will ever let on.

==> Be future Pelira

Okay, you acquiesce to being a Pelira close to but not quite at the point where the humans join your session. There is a lot you need to do to prepair the unmated trolls, and it’s going to come down in a shit storm of paings.

Sollux does find you and you begin to converse.

“Hey, Pelira,” he said, “I need some advice. You’re kismesis with Eridan, right?”

“Yes,” your reply, leaning against a wall. You need that drink again, but this is more important to you.

“What does he want in a matesprit?” Sollux is blushing now.

You give him a coy smile and reply, “You.”

His grub sauce colored cheeks grow darker and you tell him how to go about flirting with Eridan to get right on his good side.

Later, you find Sollux and Eridan and a bucket in a hallway, and walk away quickly. It makes you happy, but you’d like to not watch them. Two ships out of… um… how ever many there are down, and so many more to go.

==> Pelira, de-age and pester Dave

De-age? That’s not a thing. It’s called going back to past Pelira and trolling Dave. Stupid person being Pelira. You just don’t understand how she works.

You sit at your computer, Tavros at your side as he tells you who Dave is and how to start trolling him in order to get his attention.

contraryClaws has started trolling turntechGodhead

CC: aRe You THe oNe BLiND GiRL TaLKS To?  
TG: no, im the one AT has the biggest fucking boner for  
CC: So i aM WRoNG? You aRe GaMZee?  
TG: yes, because a fucking clown writes in this color and has blood that tastes like cherries  
CC: Do aLL HuMaNS HaVe BLooD WHiCH TaSTeS LiKe CHeRRieS?  
TG: yes  
TG: we just go around drinking eachothers blood for the funzies of it because it tastes so goddamn delicious  
TG: dont trolls do that too?  
CC: iS THiS You’Re HuMaN SaRCaSiM?  
TG: yes, i’m being completely serious  
CC: D4V3 JKSDFNVA;KDN 1S DSAFA TH1S JFLDNA8APE093URJIEFJ83HIFEND90EJI YOU?  
CC: tinyurl.com/D4V34L1F3  
CC: TeReZi, GeT aWaY FRoM My CoMPuTeR  
CC: i’LL TaKe THiS iNTeRaCTioN aS PRooF

contraryClaws stopped trolling turntechGodhead  
TG: aliens are fucked up

==> Pelira beat Terezi away from you

She already left. Now that you got a feeling of this human Terezi is so fond of, you can support her ship. She’ll be happy and satisfied, and Dave will be happy too. It’s the least you can do for them, for all the do, or will do for you.

==> Pelira, did you forget something

Why yes, yes you did. You forgot that Equius already has a matesprit set up with Aradia and that doesn’t need any work. Kanaya and Rose seem to be moving along swiftly and smoothly in their courtship, and Vriska is firmly in kismesiship with Kanaya already. So that means most of your work is done. All you have to do now is make sure that Gamzee and Tavros get their heads on straight, John and Karkat realize they like each other, and Dave and Terezi officially get their bump and grind on. Easy. 

==> Talk to Tavros about Gamzee

No. You’ll do that in reverse order. Gamzee will need to make the first move. You’re sure of it. And look, Gamzee’s right there.

“Gamzee,” you said as he honked a horn, “I think we need to have a feelings jam.”

He gives you a shocked look and informs you that he is not going to ruin his relationship with his possible matesprit because the moirail needs to get her freak on. You tell him not to be so idiotic and inform him that it’s not going to be that kind of a feelings jam. This is going to be about the potential matesprit.

“What did you motherfuckin want to get all up and a huff about for the sake of motherfuckin Tavros?” Gamzee inquired.

“You realize you’ll need to talk to him first,” you replied.

“Oh motherfuckin yes,” He said, “And I’ve just been all up and waitin on him deciding he’s motherfuckin ready to start the matespritship with me.”

“Well I’m here to tell you he’s never going to make a move,” you said, “if he’s not acting extremely awkward when you red flirt with him then he’s ready.”

“Why do you motherfuckin want this for him so motherfuckn badly?” Gamzee asked.

“Gamzee, you’re a smart guy when you’re not inebriated,” you said, “you know exactly why.”

“Does Tavros know?” Gamzee stopped cussing, which means he’s taking this subject very seriously.

Gamzee also quickly pulls you into a hug, as though he was going to shoos pap you if you got too dramatic.

“Probably,” you replied, blushing hard from the contact, “I’d be surprised if he did have some sort of clue.”

“Errr, guys, what are you, ah, talking about?” a stuttery voice called out.

“It’s not what it looks like,” you yelled, attempting to push Gamzee away from you and failing. Damn, you’ve gotten weaker.

“Are you, umm, saying that my matesprit isn’t, ahh, trying to, um, comfort my upset moirail because, err, she’s important to me and, umm, her happiness, ahh, mean a lot to me?” Tavros asked confused.

“That is motherfuckin exactly what’s going on,” Gamzee informs him and pushes you closer to his chest.

“And now I’m asking Gamzee to release me because I can’t make him,” you will always deny pouting to your dying day.

“Pelira,” Tavros implores, “why are you dying?”

The question makes you stop your futile struggles against Gamzee. You actually consider how to answer the question. You could go with the most obvious one, but that’s rather depressing and you just want everyone to be happy. You could give the second most obvious answer, but that would shut him out completely. Instead, you decided to start explaining things.

“I’m a mutant, and unless the mutant is crazy lucky like Karkitty, the only reason to have a mutant is to die.”

“What do you, err, mean?” Tavros asked, and you still don’t know if he gave you a confused look or not.

“Tavie, when was the last time you saw me bleed?” you asked and as expected got a never in reply.

“Wrong,” you told him, “The last time you saw me bleed was half a sweep ago when I was at your hive. Tinkerbull cut my hand with his horn.”

“But you didn’t bleed,” he argued.

“I have grey blood,” you decided to spell it out for him, “of course it looked like I didn’t bleed.”

“Then how did you motherfuckin hide the wetness?” Gamzee asked.

“I loosely held the towel Tinkerbull got for me.”

“How much, umm, longer do you have?” Tavros asked, and you thought he might have had some sadness in his eyes.

“My lusus and I thought I might have two sweeps more, but at this rate it’s only going to be half a sweep.”

Tavros removes you from Gamzee’s arms and holds you close. You let him because you’re feeling pretty bad right now and Tavie has always been a comfort to you. He holds you tightly and you don’t even try moving away. 

==> Finish the gog damn story

Before JohnKat and Davrezi can happen? You think not. Although, you kind of wish you were dead when that happens.

==> No seriously, just kill the sue

Fine! Gog. You’re such a needy bitch. We’ll tell the story of how exactly Pelira dies instead of getting two more ships official. You’re the asshole telling me to end the fic before we can get to any porny action between John and Karkat which I had been saving all of my efforts for, but you know what, that’s not even all that imporant. Fuck the porn. No not litterally you fuckass. Shut up!

==> Fine! Write your crappy porn!

Have you read You Know You Have A Problem (YKYHP). It’s not crappy. And it’s porn. Besides, you insisted that you didn’t want to see that. You just want to see Pelira die. You know what, I already decided that this is going to be a series, so fuck you, I’ll write the porn some other time. I want to kill everything by far too much right now. Besides, if I write JohnKat porn I should sit down and write Erisol porn. Do you want that? Yes? Wow, okay.

==> Kill the Sue so that we can have the porn.

The porn is the third thing on the list of things I’m writing for this fandom series, this one being the first. I like having troubled characters.

==> Just fucking kill the bitch

Language, please! Fine, I’ll go ahead and tell you Pelira’s death. Fuckface.

After helping her friends get together and enjoying an intense threesome with Gamzee and Tavros, Pelira died before everyone else.

This timeline was doomed for two reasons. One, she lived to meet Tavros. Two, Jade and John were on the meteor and left with the others, and Jack caught up to them.

Pelira died before Jack could get to them at the end of the second year. She was right when she said she only had half a sweep more. She died looking more frail than anyone coud have cared to admit, and it left everyone pretty depressed, for she was the one who made sure they were all happy while knowing that she could never have that happiness in return. Tavros was perhaps the most heartbroken, she was his moirail afterall, and that made them close.

==> Is that the end?

Of this short story? Yes. Of the series? Nope. I didn’t even get to write some snarky Rose/Pelira action. It was going to be so great. And now I never will. Happy?

==> Very

Good. Now let me work on the sequel.


End file.
